Nghệ thuật thiết lập ranh giới trong các mối quan hệ

We still hear about setting personal boundaries in life. But to create healthy boundaries is 'easy to say difficult to do'. The following article will share with you the sophistication of art 'being yourself but still connecting with others'.

There are boundaries that mean we worship ourselves as an individual who is different from the needs and desires different from those around us. Without healthy boundaries means that you allow others to step on your own feelings and desires. At that time, we can very much be "devoured" by people who have a heart. The nature of boundaries is to distinguish what we want from what others want from us.

Boundaries are the periphery of self-confirmation within each person, that is, knowing and affirming things that are important to us. First, we need to know what we're going through. Are we feeling ashamed or angry for another hurtful comment? Are we interested in visiting colleagues' parents on Tet holidays?

Sometimes what others want in us (a favor, an appointment, a visit) will be reciprocated with our readiness. But what about at some point when we are compensating for our own projects? We don't have enough time, or even don't want to respond to what makes us disgusted? Perhaps each person will need some time to understand what is right for them and what is not. 

The way to confirm your own needs and desires is to "pause": deep inside to realize what is "right" for yourself. Psychologist Tara Brach calls this "sacred pause" - living a little slower and being honest with what we're going through. In general, the boundary is a manifestation of self-affirmation, the first step is to stop long enough to listen to echoes in the soul. 

Expressing "consent", "disagree", or "can do" does not mean pampering your tendency to be affectionate or indifferent to your influence on others. It does not mean that we often change according to everyone's wishes without considering what impact it has on us.

At one extreme, we can rarely consider what we want. In other words, we inhibit individual desires to please others. Perhaps we are so eager to be a sociable person in the eyes of others that we avoid all expressions that can cause disagreement and conflict. Ignore your desire to keep the air, but leave it in the heart of resentment and disconnection. On the surface is an intimate atmosphere but inside is self-abandonment, self-betrayal.

At another extreme of people, we are so focused on ourselves that we don't care how we affect people around us. We may feel inadequate or upset because we have neglected ourselves for too long. In that case, we compensate ourselves by putting on boundaries and too aggressive when creating those barriers. Rigid boundaries come from being stripped of what people expect. Indifference to other people's wishes then makes us isolated.

Rigid boundaries are often a manifestation of the cycle of destruction, where we keep asking things for ourselves but not helping us. The refusal to make things that help us improve only keeps us in the invisible iron cage that we create. Sadly, we even deprive spiritual rewards of refusing to listen to and absorb other people's suggestions. 

The phrase "boundary" may refer to something too strict. Sometimes we need to be firm and tough, for example when we are mistreated. But creating boundaries is actually a marvelous art to both gently hold on to what we want, and to pay attention to the feelings and desires of others. When participating in a polite conversation, we still have the right to say no. We can allow ourselves to be affected, but not allowed to disrespect ourselves. We need an ingenuity in creating space between ourselves and everyone.

To be able to find the right method, experience is extremely important. It is one of the gifts of maturity. We have to spend time, effort and practice, even have to taste the mistake many times to know our limits. Through practice in conversations where we must respect both ourselves and others, people will gradually learn how to create an intimate atmosphere without being forced. 

The path to creating healthy boundaries requires us to participate in the process of cooperation with people. By being mindful of maintaining boundaries flexibly, we can create and nurture new relationships, while strengthening and deepening existing relationships. Awareness and ingenuity to set boundaries is an essential skill to open up for us a connected, complete life.